You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I need moral support for this bender
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
