If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
