i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
