a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I AM VODKA MAN
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
