How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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