Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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