they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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