He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
