Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
