I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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