I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
