i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
