My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
