you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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