Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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