Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
