There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
