I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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