I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
