I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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