I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
