And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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