remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
