God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
