life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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