this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
