you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
