I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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