You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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