Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So many bounce houses so little time
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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