I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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