is your mom at the bar?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
