Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
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