If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
