The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
