im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
