Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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