She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I did not marry a roomba.
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