Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My ATM looks so different sober.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
