I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
