i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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