There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
