final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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