i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
