i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
