i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He better not be in your backpack
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
