She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
