i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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