walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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