the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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