You made me cry and you don't even care
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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