I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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